This lesson works best with an example, so let’s start with one of the simplest and most well-known poems of all time.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.

This is a simple poem. It is short, sweet, and lacks pretension. Let’s fix it.

Step One: Add old-time words nobody uses in real life

Roses doth be red,
Err violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
Thus so art thou.

Step Two: Add complex terms for simple words

Grandifloras doth be damask,
Err viola are azurite,
Sugar is ambrosial,
Thus so art thou.

Step Three: Add some foreign words and italicize them

Grandifloras doth be damask,
Err Viola are azurite,
Tener azucar ambrosial,
Thus so art thou.

Step Four: Add something technological so people realize you’re living in a new age

Grandifloras doth be damask,
Err Viola ping azurite,
Tener azucar ambrosial,
Thus thou art interfaced.

Step Five: Add some other modern stuff such as abbreviations and slang

OMG Grandifloras doth B damask,
Err Viola ping azurite,
Tener azucar ambrosial,
Thus thou RT interfaced sandwich girl.

Step Six: Mix up the line endings

OMG Grandifloras
Doth B
Damask, err
Viola ping
Azurite, tener azucar
Ambrosial,
Thus
Thou
RT interfaced
Sandwich girl.

Step Seven: Take out the punctuation

OMG Grandifloras
Doth B
Damask err
Viola ping
Azurite tener azucar
Ambrosial
Thus
Thou
RT interfaced
Sandwich girl

There you go. One gloriously pretentious poem in seven easy steps.

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