And, I guess it’s fair to say that this qualifies the piece as one on a difficult subject. Well done.

He was a man who loved his dick,
skited about it – how BIG –
sometimes with a wicked grin,
sometimes tenderly, as if
offering me a beautiful gift.

But it wasn’t that
which finally persuaded me.
It was his eyes glazing over,
the intense blue going all misty.
It was his voice saying my name
soft and slow, drawing it out
into dreamy, almost exotic syllables.

It was the high cheekbones,
the long, soft mouth,
the tall, loose-limbed body,
the silken feel of his hair
against my face.

Even in memory
these attributes still
have power to stir me.
But after all that’s not a road
I’d wish to travel again.
It led to an unexpected,
far too final destination.

Frankly, it hurt!
Yes, there can be too much
of a good thing. … Perhaps,
if he hadn’t so obviously
thought that was all it took … ?

© Rosemary Nissen-Wade 2007

This one IS stronger;
however, this is not what you need to ask.

You should ask yourself:
1. “do I like it?”
2. “Does it flow?”
3. “Does it say what I want?”
4. “Does it feel the way I want?”
5. “Is it correct (grammer, tense etc.)”

If not, work on it some more.
If so, put it aside a day,
then come back and ask again.
Keep this up until it shines.

I once read a poem,
very short, very strong.
I can not remember the author,
it went something like this:

I blinked my eye
and twenty years slipped by.
From what I know of pain,
I dare not blink again.

In twenty words, this poem communicates
more about the passage of time and pain
than anything else I have read.

From what I see of your writing,
you could do this, if you were willing
to do the work.

Finally,

Write becaue you have something to say,
Write because you live and feel,
Wrtie because it brings you joy,
Write becuase you feel you must
or else you’d wither up and die

Best of luck!

Waking up

I’d wake up
and lay motionless
stairing at the ceiling
I’d wake up and wish
that I was dead
with a tearing in my head
my body lay
as my head spun

I got lost
though I knew where I was
everyone’s moving
yet I’m still standing still
I wish I could
drink away the pain
then I thought of you
and got up to awake the day
with a smile on my face

The feelings expressed are very deep. Some would say that they are evidence of needing help. Perhaps nothelp, but healing, and perhaps a re-focus. Use your writing to express yourself and find your voice. As you work, beauty will floww from your mind and hand.

On poetry consider the following:

My observation is that prose captures ideas, powerful in themselves, and music captures emotion, which compells action. Poetry exists halfway between prose and music, with power to embody ideas and power to sway the heart. I find that this comes from the shape and rythem of the words. If a poet wishes to write truely moving work, he or she must consider the sound and shape of each word as well as its meaning, and both must fit. This is work.

Some suggestions:
‘There’s a mirror down the hall’ rolls better off the tongue.

‘that whipsers ugliness when I walk by’
matches the feeling and introduces the conflict.

Tell me now the ugliness that you hear…
If you can, try to keep the beat, but do NOT force it.
Let the beat massage the soul.

Whenever possible skip the simile and go straight for the jugular of metaphor. It is more powerful; it is more concise.

for example:
…
I cry with emptiness inside;
I run away and hide…

Breaking through

Inside dark closets
No light is ever shining
Until the Muse laughs