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Top 12 Signs that the Fantasy Novel You’re Working on has Gone Horribly Awry

August 13, 2007 by J.C. Hewitt 

It’s early in the morning and I’m a little punchy so don’t judge, just enjoy the magicy goodness…


  • You just named your new spell Abracawhatever.
  • Your young hero is approaching the dangerous cave with his sword out when you suddenly decide to have him start tap dancing and singing Ain’t That a Shame.
  • You’ve named your hero’s new magical horse Assisto.
  • The head wizard tells your hero that the legendary medallion they are seeking is shaped like an enlarged pituitary gland.
  • The evil king who captures your hero forces him to do hours and hours of filing, and attend status meetings. He continually threatens everyone with outsourcing.
  • The fair maiden your hero seeks to rescue is in a dungeon named Promises after wrecking her coach while escaping from flash wand wielding paparazzi.
  • Your rescue party is told to Follow the laminate flooring road! Follow the laminate flooring road!
  • You write a 150 page section in which your hero is wandering through the woods but include only a 12 page epilogue. Thanks JK!
  • Your evil troll is named Ferdinand and he’s decorated the underside of his bridge pink with white trim because it just felt homier.
  • The part where your hero is nearly killed and emerges from the ordeal a changed man with a renewed purpose for some reason takes place over coffee with his parents.
  • You name your enchanted woods Funkytown.
  • It’s six a on a Sunday morning. You’ve just finished your last chapter with the words, And then the frog price told him to lightly salt the bacon and add a pinch of brown sugar.
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Comments

6 Responses to “Top 12 Signs that the Fantasy Novel You’re Working on has Gone Horribly Awry”

  1. Sandra Cano (23 comments) on August 14th, 2007 9:46 am

    I can’t thank you enough for writing “Top 12 Signs… Awry.” It literally made me laugh out loud. I’m currently writing a fantasy novel and will keep your article with me at all times when things become too serious or desperate. Right now my book is just a jigsaw of chapters, half-finished chapters, semi-solid characters and funny names, but I have hope….

    Write on!

  2. Rianon Burnet (97 comments) on October 12th, 2007 10:40 am

    Sandra,
    Yes, I agree, there pretty funny and very true.

  3. Steve Coursen (2 comments) on November 12th, 2008 12:01 pm

    That’s a pretty funny list. I would sooo like to read about adventures in Funkytown, the enchanted forest!

    Steve Coursens last blog post..Chapter 3, The Path Into Darkness

  4. Alexander Field (1 comments) on March 16th, 2009 10:39 pm

    This is brilliant. I love it. Thanks for brightening my evening with a laugh!

    Alexander Fields last blog post..Book Marketing – Insane but Cool Ideas

  5. Amy (11 comments) on May 6th, 2009 11:33 am

    I love it. I love it all. Especially the following:

    You write a 150 page section in which your hero is wandering through the woods but include only a 12 page epilogue. Thanks JK!

    Just gotta agree.

  6. Laminate flooring Buckinghamshire (1 comments) on May 12th, 2009 2:20 am

    Yes very funny, and the truth is! One abandoned book is enough but to get half way through a second well you need to turn to something as funny as this…great!

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