The Relaxation Integration Project

On November 11^th, my mind and body relaxed for the first time in a long, long time. I had forgotten what it felt like to be relaxed. I had forgotten what it was like to have the tension leave my body, not just for a moment, but for long stretches, so that tension was the exception rather than the rule. It was almost like being a different person.

It is easy to mistake feeling relaxed for feeling sleepy. When the body is near the point of exhaustion, it must relax, so I associate that loose-limbed feeling with exhaustion rather than relaxation. I have been so used to feeling tense that feeling relaxed was unnatural. I yawned a lot. I slept and slept, thinking I needed more rest, but the feeling didn’t go away. I was relaxed, but I didn’t know how to be relaxed.

I’m happy to have left the tension behind me, and I want it to stay there. Relaxation is not without its own problems though. For one thing, my productivity has dropped. It turns out that stress is a motivator. It is not a healthy motivator, but it is a motivator. When you are relaxed, you let things go. I used to think fondly about the idea of relaxation, but I had too many things I wanted to accomplish. Now I am relaxed. The drive to accomplish is still there, but it has gone from a drum beat thundering in my ears to a piano melody playing softly in the background. It is more easily ignored, especially when the task is unpleasant or doesn’t have a clear benefit.

The problem is that there is a limit to the number of things you can let slide without there being some consequences. My boss, for example, still seems to think that I should show up every day and do my job. He’s funny that way, but he’s a nice guy so I don’t want to disappoint him. My wife has a few things she likes me to get done as well. She’s also nice, so I don’t want to disappoint her.

My wife and my boss are both adjusting to the new, relaxed me, but I also wanted to let you folks who read my blog know that things are a little different now. I like writing the blog, but there are parts of it I don’t enjoy as much anymore. I’m going to work on increasing the number of things I enjoy doing and decreasing the number of things I don’t enjoy doing. Thank you for bearing with me as I figure out what those things are.

Oh, and if you get the chance, relax.