Negative Self Talk for Writers: Personalizing

Personalizing occurs when you convince yourself that you are the cause of other people’s problems and behavior. This is a frequent issue for bloggers, who often have to deal with angry comments or controversies that erupt after certain postings. It can also be a problem for freelancers. Freelancers and other people with very busy schedules will often feel as if their schedule is hurting their relationships. They assign any poor behavior or attitude by their family to the fact that they are so busy, rather than looking for other sources of the problem.

Here is an example of personalizing:

Poor self talk: My son refuses to do any chores. He ignores me when I try to get him to do any work and I practically have to scream at him before he’ll even pay attention. He seems lethargic and uncommunicative. This is clearly because I’m always holed up in my office working. I’m not spending enough time with him and he is acting out. He wants attention and I can’t provide it because I have so many projects going on. I’m a failure as a parent.

Realistic self talk: My son refuses to do any chores. He ignores me when I try to get him to do any work and I practically have to scream at him before he’ll even pay attention. He seems lethargic and uncommunicative. He’s thirteen. That’s what thirteen-year-olds do. I should spend more time for him, just so he knows I’m not going anywhere and he’s going to have to deal with me. I think I’ll go talk to him in front of his friends.

Some ways to avoid personalizing

• Take the time to figure out if someone’s behavior is really caused by you or is due to outside factors
• Don’t expect everyone around you to be well-behaved and nice all the time
• Don’t expect yourself or others to stop making mistakes
• Take responsibility for your actions and improve where you can, but don’t take responsibility for other people’s reactions. You will never be able to control those.

Note: The terminology I am using from an excellent textbook called Stress Management for Wellness by Walt Schafer

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