How to Set Personal Boundaries

Knowing what your boundaries are and how to maintain them is important for anyone, and it is especially important for writers. Writing is a task that requires concentration and a certain amount of peace. Constant interruptions and turmoil make it difficult to write as a profession. More importantly, allowing clients, employers, friends and family members to violate your boundaries can not only cost you time and patience, it can cost you money.

Determine what your boundaries are

Most people never proactively think about the behaviors and events that test their boundaries. Take the time to evaluate, in writing, what you believe your personal boundaries are or at least should be. To put it simply, decide what bothers you. Boundaries may be based on such things as physical contact, emotional abuse, improper requests, time wasting, inappropriate information, or abuse of position.

Determine how well you have been enforcing your boundaries

Once you have figured out what your boundaries are, evaluate how well you have been enforcing those boundaries. You probably are better at enforcing some boundaries than others. Figure out which ones need the most work. Think of actions you can take to improve the situation.

Figure out who your main violators are

Make a list of the people in your life that you feel violate your boundaries. In many cases this will be specific people. In other cases it will be classes of people such as clients or editors. Figure out where the violations are coming from.

You must change your own actions

Protecting personal boundaries is your own responsibility and comes from your own actions. When someone attempts to violate your boundaries, you need to be the one to tell that person or show that person that you will not tolerate their behavior. This means getting used to saying the word no. It also means following through on any statements you make. Often, someone who is used to violating your boundaries will be reluctant to change their behavior. They may try to escalate or they may try to test you in other ways. It is up to you to stand firm.

Boundary setting statements

Some things you can say when you set boundaries:

• No
• No, thank you
• I can’t do that
• That is inappropriate behavior
• I will not be treated that way
• I will not be spoken to that way
• I am not responsible for your issue
• I don’t have time in my schedule to do that
• I am not the proper person to come to with this problem
• We need to stick to our original agreement

Other ways to set boundaries

Sometimes a statement will not do the trick. Direct confrontation is a proactive way to solve the problem, but it is not always the best answer. Some other things you can do to set boundaries are:

• Change your location. This can be as major as moving to a new office, or as minor as walking away.
• Become unavailable. Don’t answer the phone or check email when you are working on something important. Limit the opportunities for people to contact you.
• Delegate. Suggest that another person is better for the task.
• Use silence. This works very well on the phone and it works well in person if you are good at maintaining eye contact. When an inappropriate request comes, don’t say anything. Let the other person realize that they have made an error and in many cases they will change the situation on their own. If they don’t, now is the time for a simple no.

An immediate response is best

The sooner you set a boundary, the easier it will be to enforce. Sometimes, you will want to set boundaries in advance, such as informing people what hours are appropriate for contact or writing down a clear definition of the work to be performed.

Cutting off contact

As I said previously, some people will not respond well to the boundaries you set, especially if it is a new boundary or one that they are used to violating. Most people will adjust to boundaries quickly, but sometimes people simply won’t stop. The best thing to do with these people is to cut off contact. Stop talking to them. Stop responding to their requests. Drop them as a client. If it is an employer or co-worker, you may need to get human resources involved or even find a new job. These are difficult choices, but sometimes uncertainty is better than continuing in an unhappy situation.