Negative Self Talk for Writers: Personalizing
Posted by John Hewitt on 8/1/2008 under Featured, Productivity, Writing | 
Personalizing occurs when you convince yourself that you are the cause of other people’s problems and behavior. This is a frequent issue for bloggers, who often have to deal with angry comments or controversies that erupt after certain postings. It can also be a problem for freelancers. Freelancers and other people with very busy schedules will often feel as if their schedule is hurting their relationships. They assign any poor behavior or attitude by their family to the fact that they are so busy, rather than looking for other sources of the problem.
Here is an example of personalizing:
Poor self talk: My son refuses to do any chores. He ignores me when I try to get him to do any work and I practically have to scream at him before he’ll even pay attention. He seems lethargic and uncommunicative. This is clearly because I’m always holed up in my office working. I’m not spending enough time with him and he is acting out. He wants attention and I can’t provide it because I have so many projects going on. I’m a failure as a parent.
Realistic self talk: My son refuses to do any chores. He ignores me when I try to get him to do any work and I practically have to scream at him before he’ll even pay attention. He seems lethargic and uncommunicative. He’s thirteen. That’s what thirteen-year-olds do. I should spend more time for him, just so he knows I’m not going anywhere and he’s going to have to deal with me. I think I’ll go talk to him in front of his friends.
Some ways to avoid personalizing
- Take the time to figure out if someone’s behavior is really caused by you or is due to outside factors
- Don’t expect everyone around you to be well-behaved and nice all the time
- Don’t expect yourself or others to stop making mistakes
- Take responsibility for your actions and improve where you can, but don’t take responsibility for other people’s reactions. You will never be able to control those.
Note: The terminology I am using from an excellent textbook called Stress Management for Wellness by Walt Schafer
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Ultra reviewer (1 comments) said,
Yes, i do the same. I try to avoid getting personalized and try to keep replies to the comments to the topic. Thats the best to avoid any hassles. But there is always a good way to deal with anger on a commentor, delete his comment!
Ultra reviewers last blog post..Voodoo Envy 133: A close competitor of MacBook Air
Jeanne Dininni (98 comments) said,
John,
While realistic self-assessment is always a good thing, personalizing everything is highly detrimental, not only to our own growth as people, but also to our relationships. What we really need is the objectivity and balanced perspective that allows us to see when our own actions are causing someone to react badly and when their actions have unrelated causes. In either case, we also need the wisdom to determine the best way of handling the problem.
One area where I would differ with you: I would think that talking to your 13-year-old son in front of his friends would be a last resort and would hope that talking to him personally (in an honest, receptive, and non-accusatory manner) would preclude that necessity.
Enjoyed this post!
Jeanne
Jeanne Dininni (98 comments) said,
Forgot to mention that I do try not to take negative blog comments personally–though I also find that, when you treat your commenters with respect, friendliness, and goodwill, focusing on them and their thoughts, ideas, and concerns–your blog’s comments tend to be overwhelmingly positive.
At Writer’s Notes, I try to only accentuate my own personal reaction to a comment when that comment is positive and/or complimentary. I then let my commenter know how much I appreciate the kind words. In the opposite case, I try to remain philosophical and not personalize the comment, focusing instead on why the person might be responding that way and giving a balanced, objective reply.
John Hewitt (751 comments) said,
@ Ultra
Some commentators get very upset when you delete their comments. This can sometimes make a situation worse because then they come back, with “friends”.
@ Jeanne
The “friends” part was actually an attempt at humor.
Jeanne Dininni (98 comments) said,
Sorry about that, John! While I often use such humor, myself, I don’t always “get it” when others use it! The previous sentence should have given me a clue!
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