Negative Self Talk for Writers: Blaming
July 30, 2008 by John Hewitt
Blaming occurs when you assign responsibility for your problems or the events in your life to another person rather than accept personal responsibility for your situation. Writers might blame instructors for bad grades, editors for rejections, reviewers for bad reviews, family members for interrupting them, and friends or colleagues for denigrating their work. The list is substantial. I don’t mean to imply that other people don’t do negative things. They do. The problem occurs when you let an action or attitude from someone else be the blame for your results or lack of effort, especially if the offence was minor.
Here is an example of blaming:
Poor self talk: This article was doomed from the beginning. First the editor made me shorten the article from my original query length so I didn’t have enough space. Next my wife decided to watch TV in the living room while I was working and I couldn’t focus. I eventually gave up and went to my office, but then my mother called and wanted to talk about my sister’s new boyfriend, so I had to listen to that for an hour. I had to rush so I took the article to my writer’s group but all they did was tell me ways to change it, which created a whole lot more work and I ended up turning the article in late because of them. By the time I got it back to the editor it was too long and she arbitrarily cut the fifth paragraph, which was my favorite. Now the whole article was ruined. I can’t believe people can be so inconsiderate.
Realistic self talk: There were some problems with the article that I could have improved on. The planned length of the article was an issue for the editor, so I should have looked for ways to narrow the topic. I also let some distractions get the better of me. My writer’s group had some good advice, but I should have determined what changes I could make in time and what I couldn’t. I should also have reviewed the article to make sure that I was the one to trim its length rather than the editor. The article was still acceptable. I just need to think about some of these issues in the future.
Some ways to avoid blaming
- Respect the needs of other people, but set clear boundaries so that you can meet your own needs
- Don’t give up when faced with obstacles
- Set your priorities and accept that other people may have conflicting priorities
- Don’t expect perfection from yourself or others
- Ask yourself what you would have done or expected if you were the other person
Note: The terminology I am using from an excellent textbook called Stress Management for Wellness by Walt Schafer
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Related links
- 4-Hour Work Week: Lessons for Writers (0.500)
- How to be a Productive Writer (0.500)
- Seven Powerful Tips for Maximizing Your Freelance Writing Business (0.500)
- Are You Determined Enough to be a Freelance Writer? (0.500)
- 5 Ways Writers Can Get Their Lives Back (0.500)
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This is true for all people, not just writers. Many people, including myself in a former age, indulge in this blame game. It is easier, and far more gratifying to blame others for your troubles than accept the thought that every person is largely responsible for their own troubles. By my estimation, my own weaknesses, shortcomings, foibles and chosen mis-behavior is the cause of more tha 90% of my own troubles, either indirectly or indirectly as people resonsd to my choices. I suspect this is true for all people. I can honestly say that there are a few occurrances in my life, that have caused me great pain, that were beyond my control, and not caused by myself, but these are the slim minority. But even if we accept the premise that all a person’s troubles are directly attributable to outside entities or the actions of others, what of it? If you were that person I woudl say, get over it. What good does nursing a grudge do? What good is it to sit around and blame others? Get up and do something about the troubles. Overcome the weakness given to you by your parent. Put a salve on the wound given to you by your friend or lover. Stop moping about, and be what you are capable of being. Do what you are capable of doing.
Do it now!
My children do this now. I’m trying to iron it out of their character, so they don’t do it as adults. Whenever they start, I say, “I’m not interested in playing the blame game, guys. Let’s find a solution.”
It’s getting better.
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@ James
All of these negative self talks can apply to everyone. These are the things that people do to themselves. I have, so far, been guilty of every item on the list.
@ WD
I do the same things with my nieces and nephews. “Don’t be a rat” is my catchphrase with them.
Great advice, John!
It’s far too easy to blame other people or circumstances for things we ourselves should have handled better in the first place.
Jeanne