How to Fake Enthusiasm for Corporate Platitudes

The corporate world loves enthusiasm. They want it at every level, from the rank and file all the way up the ladder. Enthusiasm can make up for a multitude of sins, especially incompetence and arrogance. If you are incompetent and arrogant, but unenthusiastic, you are doomed at a corporation. If you add enthusiasm though, you just might make it to the top.

The problem with enthusiasm is that, unless it just comes naturally to you, it will be hard to maintain in a corporate environment. Sitting in a cubicle all day is torturous on a number of levels. You cannot control the look (blue/gray accented by fluorescent white) or the noise (every conversation you never wanted to hear). You will be asked to “get on board” a number of flawed initiatives that will seem doomed to failure to you. At times you will be given a list of values/covenants that you are expected to believe in wholeheartedly and speak about enthusiastically. These run along the lines of:

• We will make our customers love us.
• We will obliterate our competitors.
• We will always succeed. Failure is not an option.
• We will fix every issue the day that it occurs.
• We will give 100% effort at all times.

Some of these will seem possible, and others will seem silly, and a few won’t make any sense at all no matter how many times you read them. In most cases, there will be about twenty of them, and some will seem to completely contradict others. You will be tempted to point this out. Don’t bother. Nobody wants to hear that the values are silly, contradictory or impossible. The important thing is that you will need to embrace all of these things enthusiastically, no matter how much you want to run from the room screaming.

Here are the rules for faking enthusiasm:

First, do no harm

Your natural instinct when confronted with something you believe to be massively, painfully stupid is to say so. That is the instinct you must crush inside of you. When confronted with such a situation, talk yourself out of being critical. Critical thinking will only get you in trouble. Ask yourself, “How would someone who can’t see how stupid this is respond?”

Put the corporate values up on the wall of your cube

Nothing says “I Believe!” like having the values up on your wall. Try to find a place where everyone can see them but you. Actually looking at them every day could prove to be too painful to bear.

Learn to speak their language

When a corporation asks for enthusiasm, they are generally willing to accept any sign of it that they see. Remember that the same people who will be judging your enthusiasm are the ones who made up the empty platitudes that they expect you to get enthusiastic about. These are not deep thinkers. Pick a few phrases that you think you can deliver without wincing (a sure sign of a lack of enthusiasm) and have them ready to deliver. You don’t want to have to think about this. Stopping to think is also a sign of a lack of enthusiasm. Here are some good stock phrases:

• That’s Fantastic!
• This is what I’ve been waiting for!
• Sounds good to me!
• I’ll put these on my wall!
• Words to live by!

Work on your tone of voice

One of the biggest challenges of faking enthusiasm is to keep your voice from betraying you. If you undersell it you will seem sarcastic and if you oversell  it you will seem either sarcastic or just plain insane. You want just a hint of enthusiasm in your voice. A truly enthusiastic person can deliver more, but you want to stay on the safe side. Sell it, but just a little. You should probably practice in front of a mirror. Until you get it right, stick to being enthusiastic via email.

Come up with some tips

Sometimes you can get away with just saying a stock phrase, but at other times you will be asked to “implement” the platitude. That means you will have to come up with something you can do to carry out the platitude. Look for very small ways in which these things can be implemented, preferably by doing things that you already do or that cannot be verified. Be prepared for your ideas to be shot down. If they are, nod. Nodding is a great way to make no comment while appearing enthusiastic and agreeable.

Platitude: We will make our customers love us.
Response: We should spend more time listening to our customers!

Platitude: We will obliterate our competitors
Response: We should start a United Way campaign!

Platitude: We will always succeed. Failure is not a possibility
Response: We should form collaborative teams!

Platitude: We will fix every issue the day that it occurs
Response: We should make sure to act on every item in our inbox every day!

Platitude: We will give 100% effort at all times
Response: We should all make a to do list!

Move on

Most of these values statements just get ignored after a while. The important thing is to show enthusiasm every time they come up, then go back to doing your job once the furor dies down. Be prepared though. Another list will be in its way soon enough.