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How to Freelance for a Private Detective or a Mental Patient

Successful freelance writers have a sense of humor – they have to. As a freelance writer, you are going to find yourself in a number of absurd situations. The people who hire freelance writers are often a little odd. Some of them are downright strange and the things they ask you to do can be just as strange.

I once had a private detective as a client. He lived up to just about every detective cliché you can think of. He paid in cash no matter what the amount. He insisted we meet in public places. He drove an old police car that he had bought at auction. He even used an autodialer when he wanted to contact me. It called every ten minutes like clockwork.

I felt as if I was in the middle of a Raymond Chandler novel. I kept expecting a beautiful blond to show up and ask me to find her missing brother or a couple of police officers to come by asking about my involvement with the detective. I wasn’t particularly worried. Web pages are a pretty benign “involvement”, but with a detective the possibilities seem endless.

Five Tips for Working with a Private Detective or a Mental Patient

• Get the money in advance. I can’t stress this enough. Mental patients and detectives tend to wander off after a while. My detective went missing after four months, but I had all the money so I was content to simply wonder if he ever got that Mexican passport he was looking for. The last thing you ever want to have to do is try to track down a detective.
• Always meet in daylight in a public place. I recommend McDonald’s. The food is terrible, but there are always plenty of kids around screaming, so no one will hear your conversations. Mental patients and detectives like that.
• Get ready for them to have ideas. Mental patients and detectives are full of ideas. Most of them are just plain weird, but that’s why you get the cash up front. You’d be surprised at the number and variety of things this detective wanted written. Most of the projects were just plain stupid (bonnieblake.com?), but they seemed a lot smarter when he started counting out hundred dollar bills. I tried to stick to just the writing and web tasks. At one point, (because I was a “smart kid”) he wanted me to start trying to track down debtors. I let him know that I was happy just doing the writing and an occasional web site.
• If they put you on an autodialer, just turn off your phone. I don’t like getting phone calls anyway, so I left it off until I was ready to make a call. Never respond to their first call. That takes all the fun out of it for them. Let them think they wore you down.
• When they come to you asking if you’re interested in making A LOT of money don’t believe them; get ready to find a new client. Mental patients and detectives are always after the “big score”. My detective was trying to set up a power company in Mexico. I have no idea what that was all about, but I never heard from him again.