It is OK to Talk to Strangers

Fear of strangers is one of the most common fears in the world. Your parents talk you into this fear as a child. They tell you not to talk to strangers. They tell you not to take candy from strangers. A good parent drums a fear of strangers into their kids in order to keep them safe. At five years old, this is a very good idea. As an adult, it is time to put this fear behind you. Sure, the stranger in the dark ally may be a threat, but the one behind the desk or on the phone is the one who can make good things happen for you.

Rejection is not worse than a missed opportunity

The primary fear people deal with when talking to strangers (and even people they know) is the fear of rejection. They don’t send a query letter or call for an interview because they might be rejected. No one likes to be rejected. It is a blow to the ego. In the end though, a rejection is no worse than a lost opportunity. If you pitch a new client and you get rejected, you are still in the same situation as before. You may have lost some time and effort, but you’ve also gained a little experience. In the end, the worst that can happen is usually nothing. Nothing happens.

Good things happen

If you do make the pitch though, one of three good things can happen. The first is the most obvious. They give you what you asked for. The second is also good, they give you something else. They offer a different assignment, a different job, or even just the phone number of another person who might be interested. The third thing that can happen is a little rarer, but still more than a little possible. The person may give you what you want and more. You ask for an article, they assign you a series. You ask for a job and they give you a better job. It happens. It has happened to me. The key is, you have to ask. You have to face the stranger. You have to have the uncomfortable conversation. These are the keys to your success.

Prepare your pitch

One of the best ways to reduce your fear of rejection is to properly prepare for the conversation. Work through your presentation so that you go in knowing what you are going to say. At minimum you should have a specific goal in mind.

Be realistic about the risks (there aren’t many)

There are very few make or break conversations in your life, and I am telling you right now that calling a potential client isn’t one of them. One of the primary ways that people sabotage themselves is by catastrophizing. Catastrophizing occurs when you expect the worst to happen, especially in situations in which the risks are moderate or low and the reward is worthwhile. This can result in a sort of paralysis, keeping you from taking on new challenges or assignments because you can only conceive of failure. All of the negative possibilities stack up in your mind and seem realistic no matter how improbable they are.

If you find yourself doing this, stop and write down the worst thing you can reasonably expect to have happen from a single rejection.

Calm yourself down

Here is a very quick relaxation exercise that you can do anywhere without attracting attention.

1. Expand your stomach
2. Take a deep, long breath
3. Hold your breath for about three seconds
4. Exhale slowly and completely as you let your shoulders and your jaw drop
5. Picture pleasantly cool water flowing from your neck and shoulders down your arms and legs

Remember that success happens too

Take the time to remind yourself about the benefits of having your uncomfortable conversation. Whatever your goal is, picture how it will benefit your life if you make it happen. There’s a reason why you want to have this conversation.

For Further Reading

• Getting Past Your Fear of Pitching
• How To Cope With Rejection As A Freelancer
• Writers and rejection: don’t give up!

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Determine what your boundaries are

Most people never proactively think about the behaviors and events that test their boundaries. Take the time to evaluate, in writing, what you believe your personal boundaries are or at least should be. To put it simply, decide what bothers you. Boundaries may be based on such things as physical contact, emotional abuse, improper requests, time wasting, inappropriate information, or abuse of position.

Determine how well you have been enforcing your boundaries

Once you have figured out what your boundaries are, evaluate how well you have been enforcing those boundaries. You probably are better at enforcing some boundaries than others. Figure out which ones need the most work. Think of actions you can take to improve the situation.

Figure out who your main violators are

Make a list of the people in your life that you feel violate your boundaries. In many cases this will be specific people. In other cases it will be classes of people such as clients or editors. Figure out where the violations are coming from.

You must change your own actions

Protecting personal boundaries is your own responsibility and comes from your own actions. When someone attempts to violate your boundaries, you need to be the one to tell that person or show that person that you will not tolerate their behavior. This means getting used to saying the word no. It also means following through on any statements you make. Often, someone who is used to violating your boundaries will be reluctant to change their behavior. They may try to escalate or they may try to test you in other ways. It is up to you to stand firm.

Boundary setting statements

Some things you can say when you set boundaries:

• No
• No, thank you
• I can’t do that
• That is inappropriate behavior
• I will not be treated that way
• I will not be spoken to that way
• I am not responsible for your issue
• I don’t have time in my schedule to do that
• I am not the proper person to come to with this problem
• We need to stick to our original agreement

Other ways to set boundaries

Sometimes a statement will not do the trick. Direct confrontation is a proactive way to solve the problem, but it is not always the best answer. Some other things you can do to set boundaries are:

• Change your location. This can be as major as moving to a new office, or as minor as walking away.
• Become unavailable. Don’t answer the phone or check email when you are working on something important. Limit the opportunities for people to contact you.
• Delegate. Suggest that another person is better for the task.
• Use silence. This works very well on the phone and it works well in person if you are good at maintaining eye contact. When an inappropriate request comes, don’t say anything. Let the other person realize that they have made an error and in many cases they will change the situation on their own. If they don’t, now is the time for a simple no.

An immediate response is best

The sooner you set a boundary, the easier it will be to enforce. Sometimes, you will want to set boundaries in advance, such as informing people what hours are appropriate for contact or writing down a clear definition of the work to be performed.

Cutting off contact

As I said previously, some people will not respond well to the boundaries you set, especially if it is a new boundary or one that they are used to violating. Most people will adjust to boundaries quickly, but sometimes people simply won’t stop. The best thing to do with these people is to cut off contact. Stop talking to them. Stop responding to their requests. Drop them as a client. If it is an employer or co-worker, you may need to get human resources involved or even find a new job. These are difficult choices, but sometimes uncertainty is better than continuing in an unhappy situation.

There are four key areas that need management and organization if you want your freelance writing career to run smoothly. Those areas are task management, time management, workspace management and money management. Here are the basics that you need to keep in mind with each of these areas.

Task management

Task management is essential to gaining control over your professional life. You need to keep a running list of all the tasks that you need to accomplish. This can be daunting, but it is necessary. Beyond just listing the things that need to be done, good task management means taking the time to think through and write down the steps you need to take to successfully complete each task. Another key to good task management is deciding what has priority and what you can handle. It is ok to list some tasks as “nice to have” or “when life gets less crazy”. Setting priorities is important. It is also good to realize what you can handle. When the mind is fresh and you have tons of energy, the most creative and difficult tasks should be worked on. When you are low on creativity or energy, it may be time to look at the simpler tasks that can be accomplished with minimal mental or physical effort.

Time management

Between time management and task management, I put a priority on task management. As a freelancer though, you cannot afford to ignore time management. Clients often set deadlines, and those deadlines must be met. In order to do this properly, you need to keep careful track of when items need to be turned in and set milestones for getting those assignments finished on time. This can be as simple as keeping a whiteboard list of milestones and deadlines. It is also a great way to make use of calendars, both physical and electronic.

Workspace management

Workspace management is quite simply the creation of a workspace that enhances your productivity. This can mean different things for different people depending on how they work. Some people keep all of their files on paper. Oother people prefer to keep everything in the computer. Most people strike a balance somewhere in between. The key to workspace management though, is to make sure that the things you need the most are available and easy to find. This means assigning spaces for specific items and tasks. It also means taking a little time each day to make sure everything is where it should be. If you make this a habit, it shouldn’t take more than a few minutes at the beginning or end of the day.

Money management

Money management is especially complicated and especially crucial for freelance writers. Because you cannot count on a steady paycheck, and must instead rely on clients to pay you according to the terms that you work out. Keeping an emergency fund is the key to staying afloat. Many freelance writers pay their bills in advance. When a big check comes, the first thing I generally do is pay the mortgage, car payment, electric bill, and Internet provider for as many months ahead as I can. It makes it easier to keep working when I know that the four things I need the most are covered. Other people set aside the money and leave themselves flexibility for what they need to pay. That is great if you can trust yourself not to spend the money on anything foolish. Use the system that works for you, but take the time to get your finances in order.

For Further Reading

• Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity
• 27 Great Tips to Keep Your Life Organized
• 9 Things Freelancers Should Do Before the End of the Year

Don’t do any research about the people holding the contest

The simple truth is that most contests that spend more than a little money on advertising are trying to make a profit. Most legitimate poetry contests have small prizes and a local focus. That doesn’t mean the one you found is bogus, but it is a good idea to check.

Join contests that advertise big, big prizes

Do you actually think that lots of rich, nice people are looking to give away big prizes for a single poem? Does that make sense to you?

Expect your poem (first one you ever wrote) to win a big money

Sure, thousands of other poets probably entered, but your first effort will beat them all. That is a reasonable outcome, right?

Buy their stuff

Do you think that when you win a contest, you should have to pay for a commemorative plaque, buy the book your poem is in, or pay for a trip to a conference? If so, by all means fork over your money. Everybody deserves to win an out-of-pocket trip to Las Vegas or Miami.

Avoid becoming a part of the legitimate poetry community

People who are a part of the poetry community around them learn pretty quickly about what is and is not a legitimate opportunity.
Pay that reading fee. The reading fee is a staple of how for-profit poetry contests work. If a contest offers a $10,000 prize and the reading fee is $10 a poem, they only have to find 1001 suckers, I mean contestants, to start making a profit. Of course, that is without all of the “runner ups” who pay for copies of the books their poems appear in.

If it sounds too good to be true then it MUST be true

If you want someone to take all of your money, make this your mantra.

For Further Reading

• The Street Smart Writer: Self Defense Against Sharks and Scams in the Writing World
• Three Scams Freelancers Face and How to Avoid Them
• 12 Ways to Protect Yourself against Writing Scams