How to Set Personal Boundaries

Knowing what your boundaries are and how to maintain them is important for anyone, and it is especially important for writers. Writing is a task that requires concentration and a certain amount of peace. Constant interruptions and turmoil make it difficult to write as a profession. More importantly, allowing clients, employers, friends and family members to violate your boundaries can not only cost you time and patience, it can cost you money.

Determine what your boundaries are

Most people never proactively think about the behaviors and events that test their boundaries. Take the time to evaluate, in writing, what you believe your personal boundaries are or at least should be. To put it simply, decide what bothers you. Boundaries may be based on such things as physical contact, emotional abuse, improper requests, time wasting, inappropriate information, or abuse of position.

Determine how well you have been enforcing your boundaries

Once you have figured out what your boundaries are, evaluate how well you have been enforcing those boundaries. You probably are better at enforcing some boundaries than others. Figure out which ones need the most work. Think of actions you can take to improve the situation.

Figure out who your main violators are

Make a list of the people in your life that you feel violate your boundaries. In many cases this will be specific people. In other cases it will be classes of people such as clients or editors. Figure out where the violations are coming from.

You must change your own actions

Protecting personal boundaries is your own responsibility and comes from your own actions. When someone attempts to violate your boundaries, you need to be the one to tell that person or show that person that you will not tolerate their behavior. This means getting used to saying the word no. It also means following through on any statements you make. Often, someone who is used to violating your boundaries will be reluctant to change their behavior. They may try to escalate or they may try to test you in other ways. It is up to you to stand firm.

Boundary setting statements

Some things you can say when you set boundaries:

• No
• No, thank you
• I can’t do that
• That is inappropriate behavior
• I will not be treated that way
• I will not be spoken to that way
• I am not responsible for your issue
• I don’t have time in my schedule to do that
• I am not the proper person to come to with this problem
• We need to stick to our original agreement

Other ways to set boundaries

Sometimes a statement will not do the trick. Direct confrontation is a proactive way to solve the problem, but it is not always the best answer. Some other things you can do to set boundaries are:

• Change your location. This can be as major as moving to a new office, or as minor as walking away.
• Become unavailable. Don’t answer the phone or check email when you are working on something important. Limit the opportunities for people to contact you.
• Delegate. Suggest that another person is better for the task.
• Use silence. This works very well on the phone and it works well in person if you are good at maintaining eye contact. When an inappropriate request comes, don’t say anything. Let the other person realize that they have made an error and in many cases they will change the situation on their own. If they don’t, now is the time for a simple no.

An immediate response is best

The sooner you set a boundary, the easier it will be to enforce. Sometimes, you will want to set boundaries in advance, such as informing people what hours are appropriate for contact or writing down a clear definition of the work to be performed.

Cutting off contact

As I said previously, some people will not respond well to the boundaries you set, especially if it is a new boundary or one that they are used to violating. Most people will adjust to boundaries quickly, but sometimes people simply won’t stop. The best thing to do with these people is to cut off contact. Stop talking to them. Stop responding to their requests. Drop them as a client. If it is an employer or co-worker, you may need to get human resources involved or even find a new job. These are difficult choices, but sometimes uncertainty is better than continuing in an unhappy situation.

Are You Having Any Fun?

Lately I have been talking about building a sustainable writing career. A sustainable career can stand the test of time. It is a career you can be successful at today, tomorrow and years from now. I’ve discussed some of the elements that lead to a sustainable writing career, such as good planning, hardiness in the face of problems, health and marketing. Those are all important, but perhaps the most important question is, are you having any fun?

Don’t Dread Your Days

No matter what career you choose, you won’t have fun all of the time. Every career has ups and downs. If you are going to spend eight or more hours a day doing something though, wouldn’t it be nice to enjoy what you are doing? The opportunity to get up in the morning without dreading the day in front of you should not be overlooked, especially if you expect to be doing the same thing five, ten of fifteen years down the road.

Strike a Balance

It can be difficult to strike a balance between what can earn you money and what brings you happiness. Tradeoffs have to be made sometimes, especially if you have a family to support and bills to pay. Just be sure that you aren’t trading away too much. I’ve spent time at jobs I hated before, and in the end my body just rejects those jobs. The stress gets to be too much and I get sick for days and weeks on end. At some point I can’t make myself go somewhere that I hate, even if the money is great.

Look for a career that can make you happy. If you find yourself in a job that you dread going to, make a change. Either fix what is wrong with the job or find a new job. Do what it takes to make your days worth living, because you only have a limited number of them.

Building a Financially Sustainable Writing Career: Body Work

Everybody Hurts

My career as a writer has not been good for my body. I weigh far more than I should because I spend most of my day sitting. I have a perpetually bad back and stiff neck from poor positioning. At the end of a long day in front of a computer my vision starts to get fuzzy and I have to increase the size of the text on my screen. For almost a year in the nineties, I could barely type due to a repetitive motion injury to my left elbow. During one particularly tense stretch at a company that shall remain nameless, I developed a tick in my right eye that nearly drove me crazy and an earache that didn’t go away until the day after I quit that job.

Writing is hard, not just mentally but physically. It isn’t professional athlete hard or standing on an assembly line hard, but there are plenty of hazards to be had. If you want to build a financially sustainable writing career, you need to take care of your body. Fixing your body is expensive and doing without it impossible, so taking care of it is your best choice. Here are some keys to building a sustainable writer’s body.

Think Locally, Act Ergonomically

Seek out chairs that are kind to both your butt and your back. Invest in a trackball or other ergonomically designed mouse. Get the largest, crispest monitor you can afford and make sure your text is clear enough to read for hours. Make sure everything is the proper height and distance. For more information read here.

Get Up Off Of That Thing

Try to get up, stretch, and walk around at least once every hour. No matter how comfortable a chair might be, it isn’t meant to hold you all day. When you maintain the same position for too long, tension starts to build in your body. Movement helps to relieve the tension.

You Can Dance If You Want To

You don’t need to be an athlete, but for the sake of a sustainable body, you need to get at least three sessions of moderate exercise in every week. There are hundreds of ways to exercise. If nothing else, go for a walk. Try to sustain some exercise for at least a half hour, three times a week.

There’s The Rub

Massages are a great way to reduce stress and keep your body healthy. I try to get an hour massage about twice a month.  It is one of the things I can look forward to that keeps me sane during the high-stress times.

Doctor Feelgood

Preventing health problems is always easier and cheaper than fixing health problems. Get that annual check up. Figure out if there are any danger signs that you need to deal with before they become major issues.

Crack That Back

On New Year’s Day, 1987, I drove my car off of Dead Man’s curve on River Road. I flipped the car and although I “walked” away, I suffered from severe back pain and decreased mobility. It took me two months to talk myself into seeing a chiropractor. By the end of the first visit I felt almost like myself again. When your back gets into trouble, a good chiropractor can help, especially if you go before it turns into a crisis.

Get a Peaceful, Easy Feeling

Stress release is the key to long term health. Stress builds up in many ways and for many reasons, from the way you sit to the pressure of a project to personal problems. Find a way to release that pressure when you need to. Learn to meditate. Find a relaxing hobby. Take a hot or cold shower. Get some sleep. Do what it takes to manage your stress before it becomes a problem.