A Guide to the Freelance Writing Lifestyle (Part Two)
April 22, 2010 by John Hewitt
Every important thing I know about being a writer came from this movie. Well, this and Robocop.
People wonder what it is like to be a freelance writer. I thought I would help out with a quick guide to our lifestyle. It’s pretty awesome, as you know from movies and television. Here are some more things you can look forward to:
Romance
As everyone who watches romantic comedies knows, the best profession to have if you want to fall in love is writer. Whether you are writing about how to lose a guy in a little over a week, using a detective to find out more about a sad widower on a radio show, flirting with the editor (who happens to be your best friend’s fiancé) of your book about the last time you fell in love, or ingratiating yourself to a woman who runs away from weddings, sooner or later you are going to fall in love and you are going to write about it. Be careful though. Your eventual article (or book) will almost certainly piss off your love interest and you will have to make a grand gesture to get them back. I suggest running out on a baseball field in front of a packed crowd. That always seems to work.
Ghostwriting Books (On Spec)
If there is one thing a freelance writer loves, it’s telling someone else’s story. The only thing they love more is working on spec. When you are a freelance writer, you are constantly going to be approached with fantastic ideas. It turns out, everyone in the world has a story, and every one of those stories will make a great book. More importantly, you should be the one to write that book. Even more importantly, you should do it because the book is going to be a bestseller. This is crucial because only at this point will you get paid. The person with a story is kindly offering to split the royalties once the book is bought by a major publisher, which it most certainly will be. All you have to do is tell their story for them, find an agent and get published. For those easy tasks you are entitled to a portion of the profits. Some people seem to think this is too good to be true. These, much more reasonable people, will only ask you to write their screenplay.
Agonizing over the First Sentence
As a freelance writer, it is important to agonize over the first sentence you write. As any good freelance writer knows, you can’t go back and change it later. You have to get it right the first time. Your entire piece hinges on that first sentence. This is why we spend so much time at Starbucks, staring off into space as we sip our lattes. We are working on that very first sentence. The best sentence ever! Sometimes weeks pass before we get it right. Luckily, as soon as you get that first sentence right, the rest of your work just flows and you are finished in a matter of moments. That is why the first sentence makes such a difference.
Twist Endings
Writers know that nothing is better than a twist ending. The most important thing about a twist ending is frog.
Ooo!
Are you gonna tell them about the ratios of how freelancers actually spend their time?
30% Sleeping
10% Eating
10% Cleaning and laundry
10% Actual writing
10% Making heartbreaking, ruinous changes your client demands
10% Looking for people who will pay you to write something
10% Collecting unpaid invoices
10% Sobbing into a dish towel
Only 10% sobbing into a dish towel? Lucky you!
oh my lord these are funny
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[...] Freelancing Lifestyle, parts one and two. At PoeWar, freelance writer John Hewitt takes a tongue-in-cheek look at what it would be like if [...]