A Guide to the Freelance Writing Lifestyle (Part One)
April 21, 2010 by John Hewitt
People wonder what it is like to be a freelance writer. I thought I would help out with a quick guide to our lifestyle. It’s pretty awesome, as you know from movies and television.
The Bathrobe
This is what I would look like in a bathrobe is I was an attractive young blond woman. I am not these things.
Have you ever wanted to go to work in your bathrobe, but were afraid of what others might say? The freelance writing life is the one for you then. We all work in our bathrobes! In fact, most of us have a variety of lovely bathrobes, from satin to flannel to knit. It’s what separates us from all those suckers with regular jobs. It reminds us of what all of our friends and family already know; freelancing isn’t like a real job. You just sit around the house and money appears. It’s fantastic!
Starbucks™
As a freelance writer, it isn’t just a luxury to hang out in Starbucks and sip a latte while typing out your latest article, it is actually a requirement. By law, every freelance writer must spend at least ten hours per week in Starbucks tapping away on a laptop, scribbling in a notebook or staring off into the distance. We call that last one thinking. So, if you go for coffee and find that your favorite Starbucks is filled with freelance writers (you can identify us by our bathrobes) please understand that we are just doing our civic duty. Starbucks… it’s the law.
The Four Hour Work Week
Tim Ferriss nailed it. Freelance writers only work about four hours a week. That’s why we’re available for our friends’ midday errands and phone calls. Need your dry cleaning picked up for a date but your slave driving boss expects you to actually sit at your desk and work? Call a freelance writer. Better yet, tweet them! Freelance writers are on Twitter. All. The. Time. We call it social networking, and we claim it is really important, but mostly we are trading links to pictures of lolcats. Those little rascals are FUNNY! (I’m @poewar)
Content Mills
Complaining about content mills is one of the most important ways that we freelance writers spend our time. You see, content mills are companies that pay you to create content. The trouble is that they don’t pay you hundreds of dollars per article. They pay you $15, or even less! Why would they do such a thing? I don’t know, and neither do the thousands of writers who work for them. These multitudes of people working for less money are clearly the victims of some sort of diabolical plot. They must be getting injured in some way, and the freelance writing community helps out as best they can by constantly complaining about it. Clearly that is the best way to spend our time.
Very entertaining, John! Really had a laugh over the bathrobes-at-Starbucks image! Can hardly wait for Part 2!
I’m the first to say that I believe in changing out of my pajamas before beginning work because it puts me in the right frame of mind. However, I’m wearing a bathrobe as I type this – and in a little while I’m meeting some writer friends at Starbucks. Alas, though I proudly admit to being a paid mouthpiece for a content mill, I’m not so handsomely paid that I can have a four hour work week. Maybe I’ll have to whore myself out to another few mills for that to happen.
I’ve had a 6 hour work week so far this week. Fail, Allena, Fail. BUT, in my defense I am in my Hollister sweats, which I’ve begun referring to as my “work pants.”
Hi Allena, you need to upgrade to a robe, and fast!
Hi Deb,
Glad to see you have a robe and are getting with the program. You really need to negotiate a better deal. Anything over four hours is a waste. Oh, and I prefer the term, compensated endorser. Both of my childhood idols, Dick Clark and Ed McMahon, were compensated endorsers. I always dreamed of becoming one. With any luck, I someday will (fingers crossed).
Thanks Jeanne,
My personal favorite Starbucks has a fireplace out front. I tell you, when you scoot up to that thing in your robe and break out the laptop, those are some GOOD times.
I’ll bet, John…I’ll just bet!
Compensated endorser does have a nice ring to it, certainly much better than “sellout,” “paid moutpiece” or “that girl who isn’t jumping on the bandwagon and instead of hating on content sites, she’s working with them.” I’ll have to use that in the future.
Sellout just means you had something worth buying.
John you are so my BFF.
Honored!
debs totally cracking me up. I’m gonna hafta steal a robe from some hotel, since all us writers are always broke too.
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