Need help annoying the hell out of your writer’s group? The best way is to learn how to write a pretentious poem. This lesson works best with an example, so let’s start with one of the simplest and most well known poems of all time.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
This a simple poem. It is short, sweet and lacks pretension. Let’s fix it.
Step One: Add old time words nobody uses in real life
Roses doth be red,
Err violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
Thus so art thou.
Step Two: Add complex terms for simple words
Grandifloras doth be damask,
Err viola are azurite,
Sugar is ambrosial,
Thus so art thou.
Step Three: Add some foreign words and italicize them
Grandifloras doth be damask,
Err Viola are azurite,
Tener azucar ambrosial,
Thus so art thou.
Step Four: Add something technological so people realize you’re living in a new age
Grandifloras doth be damask,
Err Viola ping azurite,
Tener azucar ambrosial,
Thus thou art interfaced.
Step Five: Add some other modern stuff such as abbreviations and slang
OMG Grandifloras doth B damask,
Err Viola ping azurite,
Tener azucar ambrosial,
Thus thou RT interfaced sandwich girl.
Step Six: Mix up the line endings
OMG Grandifloras
Doth B
Damask, err
Viola ping
Azurite, tener azucar
Ambrosial,
Thus
Thou
RT interfaced
Sandwich girl.
Step Seven: Take out the punctuation
OMG Grandifloras
Doth B
Damask err
Viola ping
Azurite tener azucar
Ambrosial
Thus
Thou
RT interfaced
Sandwich girl
There you go. One gloriously pretentious poem in seven easy steps.
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‘roses’ is plural, ‘doth’ is for singular. If you are going to use old words, use them right.
Excellent example of a pretentious comment Bart! You really caught the spirit of the post!
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