The Blog of John Hewitt

7 Easy Steps to a More Pretentious Poem

 

Shhh.... I'm writing a great poem!

Shhh…. I’m writing a great poem!

This lesson works best with an example, so let’s start with one of the simplest and most well known poems of all time.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.

This a simple poem. It is short, sweet and lacks pretension. Let’s fix it.

Step One: Add old time words nobody uses in real life

Roses doth be red,
Err violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
Thus so art thou.

Step Two: Add complex terms for simple words

Grandifloras doth be damask,
Err viola are azurite,
Sugar is ambrosial,
Thus so art thou.

Step Three: Add some foreign words and italicize them

Grandifloras doth be damask,
Err Viola are azurite,
Tener azucar ambrosial,
Thus so art thou.

Step Four: Add something technological so people realize you’re living in a new age

Grandifloras doth be damask,
Err Viola ping azurite,
Tener azucar ambrosial,
Thus thou art interfaced.

Step Five: Add some other modern stuff such as abbreviations and slang

OMG Grandifloras doth B damask,
Err Viola ping azurite,
Tener azucar ambrosial,
Thus thou RT interfaced sandwich girl.

Step Six: Mix up the line endings

OMG Grandifloras
Doth B
Damask, err
Viola ping
Azurite, tener azucar
Ambrosial,
Thus
Thou
RT interfaced
Sandwich girl.

Step Seven: Take out the punctuation

OMG Grandifloras
Doth B
Damask err
Viola ping
Azurite tener azucar
Ambrosial
Thus
Thou
RT interfaced
Sandwich girl

There you go. One gloriously pretentious poem in seven easy steps.

  • Sarah

    If you’re going to use early modern English verbs, at least know how to conjugate them, unless you’re using them incorrectly to make the poem sound even more pretentious.

  • Pingback: No Wasted Ink Writer’s Links | No Wasted Ink()