15 Ways the Harry Potter Books Would Be Different if They Were Written by Bret Easton Ellis

I greatly enjoyed reading the Harry Potter series. I think that critics tend to dismiss J.K. Rowling’s writing skills just because she writes in such a stylized manner. Well, I know plenty of writers with distinct styles so I think it would be fun to speculate about what they would have done with the source material. Let’s start with my favorite Literary Brat Pack member, Bret Easton Ellis, author of Less Than Zero and American Psycho.

• The books would be set in Los Angeles during the mid-eighties.
• Lord Voldemort would be obsessed with Phil Collins.
• All the students would be blond and tan.
• Ron would have a serious addiction to Felix Felicis that would force him to do “favors” for Horace Slughorn while Harry watched.
• Instead of giving Harry a two-way mirror, Sirius would write a check as Harry watched in awkward silence.
• The characters’ obsession with wands would be even more pronounced. Lord Voldemort’s crushing disappointment with his own wand would lead to a panic attack at the dinner table.
• Instead of being obsessed with Muggle toasters, Mr. Weasley would be obsessed with Betamax porn.
• Harry’s anger over Dumbledore’s death would be replaced by a general sense of ennui that would lead him to fly around on his broom for hours at a time while listening to Hotel California.
• Before Harry and Cho break up they head to Palm Springs for a weekend of binge drinking, loveless sex and self-loathing.
• We’re pretty sure Hermoine is anorexic.
• Hagrid would kill Draco Malfloy with his bare hands by about book four.
• Ginny Weasley would commit suicide (in graphic detail) due to her unrequited love for Harry and the constant torment of Moaning Myrtle.
• Snape would be in love with James rather than Lily.
• Luna Lovegood would live up to her name.
• The Dursleys would have a lot more money and better tans, but otherwise would remain unchanged.