15 Ways the Harry Potter Books Would Be Different if They Were Written by Bret Easton Ellis

by John Hewitt on 8/3/2007

Brett Easton EllisI greatly enjoyed reading the Harry Potter series. I think that critics tend to dismiss J.K. Rowling’s writing skills just because she writes in such a stylized manner. Well, I know plenty of writers with distinct styles so I think it would be fun to speculate about what they would have done with the source material. Let’s start with my favorite Literary Brat Pack member, Bret Easton Ellis, author of Less Than Zero and American Psycho.

  • The books would be set in Los Angeles during the mid-eighties.
  • Lord Voldemort would be obsessed with Phil Collins.
  • All the students would be blond and tan.
  • Ron would have a serious addiction to Felix Felicis that would force him to do “favors” for Horace Slughorn while Harry watched.
  • Instead of giving Harry a two-way mirror, Sirius would write a check as Harry watched in awkward silence.
  • The characters’ obsession with wands would be even more pronounced. Lord Voldemort’s crushing disappointment with his own wand would lead to a panic attack at the dinner table.
  • Instead of being obsessed with Muggle toasters, Mr. Weasley would be obsessed with Betamax porn.
  • Harry’s anger over Dumbledore’s death would be replaced by a general sense of ennui that would lead him to fly around on his broom for hours at a time while listening to Hotel California.
  • Before Harry and Cho break up they head to Palm Springs for a weekend of binge drinking, loveless sex and self-loathing.
  • We’re pretty sure Hermoine is anorexic.
  • Hagrid would kill Draco Malfloy with his bare hands by about book four.
  • Ginny Weasley would commit suicide (in graphic detail) due to her unrequited love for Harry and the constant torment of Moaning Myrtle.
  • Snape would be in love with James rather than Lily.
  • Luna Lovegood would live up to her name.
  • The Dursleys would have a lot more money and better tans, but otherwise would remain unchanged.

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{ 7 comments }

Rianon Burnet October 12, 2007 at 10:41 am

:)

LL May 17, 2008 at 9:10 pm

hahaha this was so amazing. I love Brett Easton Ellis and everything he writes. He would definitely approve of this.

John Hewitt May 18, 2008 at 7:20 pm

Thanks LL,

I’m a big fan of BEE’s early work.

Gabriel Gadfly February 7, 2009 at 12:41 pm

Hehe. This made me laugh.

Gabriel Gadflys last blog post..The Subtle Knife by Philip Pullman

Thomas April 25, 2009 at 10:40 am

To be honest I have never read Harry Potter. But with this “adjustments” I would start thinking about doing so :-)

Thomass last blog post..5 Online Crash Courses For New Web Product Managers

Kymera November 25, 2009 at 4:40 am

I read the first one and was so bored by it, i dont get the attraction!
.-= Kymera´s last blog ..Buy Kymera Magic Wand Remote Control in Stock =-.

Jerald Pavlosky October 27, 2010 at 2:37 pm

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