10 Ways to Annoy the Hell out of your Writers’ Group
March 11, 2008 by J.C. Hewitt
A writers’ group is a collection of writers who get together to discuss each other’s work. Each writer submits a piece to the group and as a group, suggestions are given, issues are discussed and an effort is made to provide guidance to make each piece better. This is the model of most creative writing programs, as well as many independent groups. If everyone works together, it can be a wonderful experience for all involved. Unfortunately, there is usually some jerk in the group that ruins everything. This is a guide to how to be that jerk.
10 Ways to Annoy the Hell out of your Writers’ Group
- Attend sporadically. Most writers’ groups have rules about attendance, but once you are there, what are they going to do? Do they seriously have the stones to kick you out? I think not. Writers are usually nice people — exploit that.
- Bring the whole novel. Most writers’ groups try to keep the length of the things they are discussing to a reasonable level. After all, most members have jobs or kids or classes. Some members even want to spend time on their own writing. They can’t be expected to read and critique hundred of pages a week… or can they? After all, the main reason the group exists is to serve your needs.
- Don’t worry about the genre. The science fiction writer’s group is the perfect place to present your nihilistic seventies romance. If anyone makes a fuss, tell them that they’re stifling you.
- Don’t waste a lot of time reading the other member’s work. Try to limit any review to the five minutes before the group meets. Make a show of marking up the paper with red lines or a highlighter. Just pick random passages to mark. There’s always something wrong with everything if you look hard enough.
- Keep an eye out for typos or spelling errors. Some writers think that a writers’ group should focus on character, plot, themes and other esoteric things. Stick to the basics. If you find a spelling error or a grammar error, focus solely on that. Make sure the discussion lasts twenty minutes at least. By discussion I mean you prattling on, interrupting other people whenever they try to take part.
- Keep other criticisms as vague as possible. Look for statements that sound intelligent but mean nothing. String them together for as long as you can. Sample Rant: You need this story to feel more real. It doesn’t speak to me yet. When I read it, it feels like a story. It’s as if someone wrote it down and expected me to read it and come away with some sort of impression. I shouldn’t have to know so much about the characters in order to get them. They should be a part of the page. The whole thing should function holistically and organically.
- Don’t say anything positive. People only attend a writers’ group to hear criticism, especially your criticism. That’s how you bring value to the group. Take as much time as you need to make sure they know just how badly written their work is. If you’re lucky, you just might get to see the moment when a writer’s spirit is crushed. You can usually catch it in their eyes, so be alert.
- Bring your political agenda with you. Everyone should share your views, so share your views with everyone. If you’re reading a story about an African hunting expedition, for example, never miss the opportunity to advocate vegetarianism and declare that hunting is murder. Never move on. Never let it rest. Their story should be your story.
- Don’t ever accept criticism of your own work. When other people point out problems with your story, they’re really just being petty. They can see how much better your writing is than theirs, and the only way they can deal with it is by pointing out minor, imaginary flaws. Anyone who brings these things up clearly has an ax to grind. Argue every point. Make it personal.
- Leave in a huff. Tell the group they’re idiots and you’re never coming back. That will make your appearance the next time mean so much more to them.
Hilarious. I especially like the “Don’t accept criticism of your own work.” When I was in a writing workshop at Florida State, one of the young women in the class brought in a short story for critique, but before we began stated that she “really didn’t care what the class thought because my roommate said the story was perfect.”
Funniest workshop ever.
That sounds familiar. I think I was in the same workshop, only it was in Tucson.
Oh my goodness, I think I know this person! In the first writing workshop I was a part of, years ago, there was a member who followed most of these rules. I’m not surprised that he’s off joining other workshops and sharing his expertise.
I’m usually just a skim-by lurker, but I couldn’t pass up telling you how funny I thought this post was. I’ve attended only one group, and it was run by a woman whose agenda seemed to be to get everyone into therapy by the end of the first month. She’d insult people — not just their writing but their actual character. She’d tell people they didn’t have what it takes to be a novelist (this from a woman who never had anything published). She’d say all kinds of rude and off the wall stuff. Then she’d act really shocked when someone took offense. I eventually dropped out because she suddenly just didn’t show up one session, and she was replaced by an equally obnoxious woman.
Thank you for taking the time to comment this time Amy.
I absolutely LOVE it, John! Especially the part about bringing the whole novel and your political agenda.
Good form.
Nicely done John! Another brilliant article. My favorite piece of advice is telling the group they’re stifling you.
I’ve been in a group where at least three of the members followed these rules.
At the end of each meeting I left feeling inspired and exhilarated, not because of the quality feedback, but because their behaviour was so fascinating, I had to dash home and write it all down. One day it will make excellent material for a murder story.
[...] John Hewitt over at Writer’s Resource Center posted one of the most hilarious and truthful rants about writing critique groups that I’ve yet read: 10 Ways to Annoy the Hell out of your Writers Group. [...]
Just found your site via Writer Unboxed. Great post, although I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Probably both.
Crit groups, root canals, colonoscopy–definitely things that have to be experienced, but all with a few drawbacks.
[...] help annoying the hell out of your writer’s group? Then you should learn how to write a pretentious poem. This lesson works best with an example, so [...]
I also don’t normally comment, being a new reader. (I was only recently taught the existence of blogs and Google Reader by my also recent wife.)
But I ran across this just surfing the page. Why am I not getting this and the other fun ones in my feed?! Your Fun section should be a totally separate feed.
And, now that I have brought my own agenda to the forum, after attending the site sporadically, and commented completely off the genre, retaining my comments to the particulars of the blog instead of the subject of the post, I shall leave in a huff! Thus do I show my appreciation for such a wondrously non-fictitious piece by demonstrating that I can learn from it!
Live free and battle rhetorically, PoeWar!!
@ Jace
You want a fun feed?!
You Want A Fun Feed?!?!?
OK
http://feeds.feedburner.com/poewarfun
Ask, and the PoeWar shall be opened unto you. (Or at least opened unto Google Reader!)
Google Reader is my hero
This was a great blog entry!
I think I’ve seen writers like this in one way or the other through the years. It makes me laugh when I think of them.
Thanks for the great chuckle.
R. Alexander Spoerer
http://www.renegadesanctuary.com
hahaha, this actually made me laugh because I have witnessed people annoying my group with the same things. Quite humorous actually, if you don’t take the annoyance too seriously.
Brilliant! You’ve gotta love when anybody obsessively focuses on typos and grammar during any brainstorming or idea-bouncing session.
@ Alucard
Did you notice that on the 7th occurrence (including breadcrumb menu and article title) of the term “writers’ group” in this article, John put the apostrophe BEFORE the s?
Can we put this on the agenda for the next write’rs group meeting please?
hahaha!
thank you for this article!
Hilarious!!
spuds last blog post..Panthera ou le nouveau P2P
Really funny
thank you!
Bogdan Radus last blog post..wedding prank fun
Funny! Thanks for the article
I just started a writing group for my area and since I’d never been to a writing group session, was looking for advice. This is too funny and so true of the sites I’ve been on. It will be immensely helpful for our first meeting, lol.
Thanks for posting this.
Gail
Oh man! *wipes tear from eye*
Glad I found you!
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